Keeping Perspective

Keeping Perspective

Parenting blogger Jackie Davidson shares her thoughts on putting things in perspective when parenting.

Ups and Downs

In life, there are always ups and downs. Sometimes there are more downs than ups and it can be hard to dig ourselves out of that hole. Nothing has tested my ability to look on the bright side more than becoming a parent, especially a parent of a special needs child.

The Can’t Dos

One reason why I have found it hard to keep a positive outlook at times is because the list of things we can’t do as a family often feels a lot longer than the list of what we can. For example, I read an article about how kids from ages four to ten describe their fondest memories as family vacations. It claimed that these vacations are so important. It implied that if you don’t take vacations, you’re robbing your kids of the most enlightening experiences. We are not able to go on family vacations and, although I am a rational adult and know that a travel company probably wrote that article, I felt like a complete failure to my other children. Lydia isn’t able to sleep anywhere except in her bed at home as of right now and travel would be horrific at this point in our lives.

Conflicting Thoughts

So there I was sitting thinking I’m the worst parent while simultaneously thinking about how I would never put my child in a position to compromise her well-being. It felt and still feels very confusing. So, if you find yourself in my position with whatever situation you are facing and you’re aware you are not able to do something yet because of your autistic child, just know that you are doing something even more important: you are simultaneously keeping your child safe, teaching their siblings how to be tolerant, and doing what’s best for the entire family by not leaving anyone out.

The Growth Charts

Learning is not linear. We know this yet I have found it easy to fall into a deep hole of hopelessness whenever my daughter plateaus at therapy or when things start moving slowly. In reality, that’s how language development works. That’s how life works. There are periods of great growth and periods of sustained knowledge. Trust me, I know this, yet I still get that feeling of hopelessness or like I’ve seen no change for my daughter.

In these moments I have learned to expand my timeline. I think about a year ago and how much things have changed. I try to think of specific things that she used to do that were inappropriate, dangerous, or difficult for us to communicate about, and every time I realize those things no longer happen. Sometimes I go back and look at old videos and remember the big moments that I captured because I couldn’t believe Lydia was accomplishing something. You might think about a year ago or two or more when trying to remember things you thought would never change and they did.  There has always been a ton of growth when I remember to see the bigger picture and it’s important to remember that it is their timeline, not ours.

Low Demand Environment for Your Child

When Lydia gets home from school I always try to make home a very low-demand environment. I only expect certain things from Lydia like being kind to her family, eating at the table, and respecting our home after school. I do this because I am well aware that Lydia has spent the entire day trying her best to communicate in a very stimulating environment. She spent her day in fight or flight and I refuse to allow her to continue to live in that headspace in her home.

Low Demand Environment for You

On days when I find myself in fight or flight when it pertains to my kids in any capacity, I tend to forget to create a low-demand environment for myself. Instead of pushing through and starting to compulsively complete all the laundry, make yet another communication tool, buy more sensory toys, re-organize all the girl’s rooms, or create meal plans for the next two months, I try to stop everything and sit down and do something for myself. Sometimes I read, sometimes I work out, and sometimes I call a friend and explain I’m not in a good place and they help me talk it through. I’ve learned to try and take demands away when I’m feeling heightened instead of trying to fix the feeling by adding more on. This is a tool that being the mom to Lydia has taught me.

Live in the Light

So yes, as parents to neurodivergent children, it is much easier to let yourself fall prey to the negative thoughts that accompany this job. It is a very hard path as a parent and it’s understandable that someone might have days where the world seems unfair or that they aren’t doing enough for their child. It happens often and it hits hard. I hope this helps someone learn a few tools to live in the light instead of the dark. 

Story by Jackie Davidson for BlueWaterParent.com

All content of BlueWaterParent.com is for informational and entertainment purposes only and does not constitute medical advice.