Parental trauma is real. As parents, we are strong for our kids. We often feel the need to hide any struggles we are having so that not only to others we seem like we know what’s going on, but for ourselves to feel in control.
First of all, no one really knows what they are doing until they are doing it. Autism takes a lot from you, it brings a lot of trauma, but on the other side, once you’re through it and you’ve made peace you become your most authentic self as a parent.
Traumatic Experiences
The Covid shutdown happened in 2020 when my twins were 1.5 years old. Like many Covid kids, they were behind a bit in language development. I had no way of really knowing this because we were so isolated. As Covid restrictions lifted, I began to see the differences in language with my girls and others. Heidi very quickly caught on and even began surpassing her peers, while Lydia remained the same day after day. I remained hopeful that she would start to progress and decided to enroll them in a preschool prep program to help them be around other kids!
In this program, my first instance of parental trauma happened. When my daughter, not yet diagnosed with autism, was abruptly expelled from the program, I was traumatized. I decided to take both of my girls out of the program, but not after feeling hurt and disrespected by the way it was handled.
I remember this interaction right down to the breathing pattern I felt. I threw away the shirt Lydia was wearing that day because every time I saw it all I could think of was this experience. I woke up crying for months with dreams that felt real. This is trauma and I am so thankful Lydia was too young to remember it.
Trust Intuition
As parents to special needs children, we all have these moments we remember; the moments that shifted our lives completely. I was furious about this situation, but it made me move. I finally trusted my gut that she was behind and it wasn’t okay. I moved forward to get answers. The day I left that daycare, I called the pediatrician and had her in the next day and demanded we go beyond the basic autism screening. As we did this I remembered a moment when Lydia was under two asking my husband if he thought Lydia could have autism. I don’t know why I wondered this at the time, but I like to call it mothers’ intuition.
Stories like this are common among the Special Needs community. Handle parents of autistic kids with care. We have to fight every day for our kids, and we found out this would be our life in a moment. I can’t speak for everyone but I don’t want sympathy, I want understanding. We are often isolated and over-explaining our lives and kids in order to attend a simple event like a birthday party. We are isolated because we have trauma, and it’s easier to be alone than to relive it.
Don’t Hide
A few ways to support yourself if you are coming out of this particular trauma is to not hide. Find your people who will support you and your child. These could be other autism parents, therapists, family, or friends. If you know someone who is going through this part of special needs parenthood, listen. You need to listen and make them feel heard and please don’t treat their kids any differently than you did before the diagnosis/realization.
Respect
So if you or someone you know often declines to attend a party because of having an autistic child, remember it is either to protect the child and/or the parents’ hearts and that is okay. Respect boundaries as people navigate this path less traveled. If you happen to be the one setting these new boundaries just remember, not every moment will be the traumatic moment you experienced but it’s okay to take it slow.
Story by Jackie Davidson for BlueWaterParent.com
All content of BlueWaterParent.com is for informational and entertainment purposes only and does not constitute medical advice.
